“What Do I Need?”: Supporting Ourselves While Supporting Our Kids

By Meghan R. Kaloper, LMHC

As a parent, the phrase “I’m just trying to get through the day” might feel like a constant refrain. Between therapy appointments, work demands, school projects, emotional check-ins, and mealtime logistics, it’s no surprise that many parents arrive in my office running on empty.

What I often hear is some version of:

“I don’t even know what I need anymore—I’m just trying to keep everyone else afloat.”

Sound familiar?

In today’s busy world, parenting can become a cycle of nonstop output. We focus so intently on caring for our children—managing their emotional needs, academic pressures, social stressors, and developmental milestones—that we overlook our own need for rest, connection, and support. Not only does this compromise our own wellbeing, but it also impacts the emotional climate of the home. Kids and teens pick up on our stress and overwhelm, even when we think we’re masking it well.

So how do we begin to assess and meet both our children’s needs and our own, without slipping into guilt or exhaustion?

A Simple Framework for Complex Lives

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a valuable tool in both therapy and parenting. It’s a visual model—a pyramid with five levels—that helps us identify unmet needs and prioritize how to care for ourselves and others.

Here’s a brief breakdown:

• Physiological Needs – Sleep, food, hydration, movement, rest

• Safety Needs – Physical and emotional safety, financial stability, routine

• Love and Belonging – Relationships, friendship, intimacy, community

• Esteem Needs – Feeling valued, competent, respected

• Self-Actualization – Purpose, creativity, growth, personal fulfillment

When these foundational areas are overlooked, we start to feel ungrounded, reactive, and emotionally drained. That “hangry” feeling? It’s more than low blood sugar—it’s a signal that your body and brain are out of sync. The same is true for our children. When their needs aren’t being met—whether it’s sleep, connection, or a sense of competence—we often see it expressed in their behavior, moods, and relationships.

Helping Your Child Assess Their Needs

If your child or teen is struggling—socially, emotionally, or behaviorally—it can be helpful to gently explore their own version of Maslow’s pyramid with them. You don’t have to call it that, of course. Instead, ask simple, reflective questions:

• Are you feeling tired or low-energy lately?

• Do you feel safe at school or in your friend group?

• Do you feel like you’re doing okay in things that matter to you?

• Is there anything that feels missing right now—friendships, fun, creativity?

Even younger children can benefit from this kind of needs-based check-in when adapted to their developmental level.

Therapy for your child may focus on emotional regulation, self-esteem, social skills, or trauma healing, depending on which “layer” needs the most attention. Parent coaching, on the other hand, helps you better support your child and create healthier systems within the family unit. And both begin with attunement: learning to notice, name, and nurture unmet needs.

Supporting Yourself as a Parent

Here’s where things often get tricky: Parents frequently prioritize their child’s pyramid and neglect their own. The fear is, “If I focus on myself, won’t something else fall apart?”

The truth is the opposite.

When you tend to your own needs—even in small, consistent ways—you model emotional resilience and regulation for your child. You create a more stable, less reactive home environment. And you increase your own capacity to parent from a grounded, intentional place rather than one of depletion.

This doesn’t mean you need hours of self-care each day. It might be as simple as:

• Drinking a full glass of water before your third cup of coffee.

• Taking five quiet minutes after drop-off before opening your inbox.

• Saying no to something that drains you.

• Saying yes to something that fills you.

In therapy or parent coaching, we often use needs assessments to help caregivers recognize which layers of their own pyramid have gone unmet for too long. From there, we can explore what’s realistic and supportive—not just aspirational—in your current season of parenting.

Try This: A Needs Inventory Activity for Parents

Set aside 5–10 minutes to reflect:

• Which level of Maslow’s pyramid feels most unmet for me right now?

• What’s one small, actionable step I can take today to address that?

Examples:

• If you're sleep-deprived, can you set a firmer bedtime boundary tonight?

• If you feel disconnected, can you reach out to a friend for a walk or phone call?

• If you feel stuck in autopilot, can you set aside 10 minutes to journal, read, or create?
  

You can even sketch your own pyramid and fill in how each layer is doing—then revisit it weekly. This is a powerful exercise to do with your older child or teen too, helping them develop emotional awareness and autonomy.

Final Thoughts

Parenting doesn’t have to feel like an endless juggling act. When you pause to assess your own needs—and your child’s—with compassion and intention, you create the foundation for growth, healing, and connection. Therapy or parent coaching isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about making space for the questions:

What do I need right now? What does my child need? How can we support one another in sustainable ways?

The answers might be simpler than you think. And with support, they become more accessible too.